its.... moving....
Getting back into throwing was both the most exciting and terrifying thing. I was relieved to be able to feel the dirt crunch under my metal cleats as I ran towards the outfield. Rather than stretching with the team and doing the same throwing exercises they had learned during the fall season, I had to follow my Dr's strict throwing program. So, that meant listening to my own body and knowing when to put the ball and glove down. This was by far the hardest part for me. I didn't want any more limitations, I wanted to be like my teammates, able-bodied. The more I progressed through physical therapy, the more capable I began to feel, that is until I started to feel the click, click, click.
Ever since I got hurt in October of 2018, my arm started to make all kinds of weird popping noises and clicks. In fact, I've always been that one person cracking knuckles and popping their back. So, when some clicks became my new "normal" after my surgery I didn't think much about it. My Dr and PT at Loma Linda had told me that once any sort of clicks or pops started to pair with prolonged instances of pain to immediately notify my coach and see the trainer at school. I remember the practice it happened. I contemplated speaking up because of the backlash I knew I would receive from some teammates and my coach. But, once again pain made up my mind. I had to stop throwing. I went up to coach with tears in my eyes and said I needed to go see the trainer because my elbow and arm didn't feel right. She shrugged and replied with a cold, "then I guess go do what you need to do" I hated walking away from that field. Every time I had to listen to the fading sounds of bats my heart cracked. I entered the training room. I explained my concerns, and yet the focus landed elsewhere..
trainer: Wait. I didn't approve you for a throwing program. Let me see it.
me: Oh, I didn't know you had to, this is from my PT and Surgeon at Loma Linda. So I figured I should listen to them.
trainer: You are not supposed to go to an outside Dr. You tell coach about an injury, then me.
me: You were already aware I was hurt, I didn't know I had to keep you in the loop that intimately. Coach knows about my medical status.
trainer: Next time, follow the athlete protocol. Now, as for your concern today. Just ice it, it looks like inflammation and overuse. Just rest. You can go back to practice now.
I had learned a hard lesson the first time I took his word. I wasn't going to do it again. I immediately called my surgeon's nurse and told her what had happened. Her response? "Dr. Riedel needs to see you right away. He has an opening in a half-hour." As I walked back down to the field my heart was pounding. I approached coach and told her that the trainer thought I was fine but that my Dr needed to see me ASAP. I got the same cold sarcastic response of "do what you need to do".
If I was able to sprint all the way to Cal's car, near the baseball field (opposite side of campus), I would have. I hate letting anyone see me cry. Especially those who I didn't respect. But, alas, I could not. The entire walk over only thing was on my mind, "what if I can’t play anymore”
Dr. Riedel came into the exam room and began feeling around my elbow right away. Asking where it hurt, for how long, and to describe the exact clicking that was causing pain.
Here it is: Every time I go to bend or extend my elbow it clicks or pops. Like something gets stuck and then released with a sharp and constant tingle stab down my arm. It's been happening more and more... but most often and most painfully after I throw. I've also noticed that my fingers go numb when I type and write too much. Today I couldn't even grip the ball after I felt the click. It was too weak.
He placed his hand right at the very tip of my
elbow and began to explain...
"So, you know when you smack your elbow against a table or a door and it curls on you cuz you feel tingles down your arm? Well, that right there ( he presses down, I wince) is your ulnar nerve. Meet your funny bone. Basically when you straighten and bend your elbow that nerve glides along to stretch and shorten as we move. Because you were in a cast in a supinated position (elbow bent, palm up) the ulnar nerve was stretched to allow for this motion. However, since you got misdiagnosed and stuck in a cast for way too long, the click kiddo... its the nerve moving. More specifically, snapping over the elbow bone causing the nerve to affect the dexterity of your fingers" He paused. "Let me show you. I'm sorry this will hurt." He gripped both sides of my elbow and stabilized it. Then he slowly mimicked a throwing motion and, click. Right there in plain sight, I saw it jump. Tears began to trickle down. "What does this mean for softball?" He looked at my chart and said, "Right now the priority is scheduling you for surgery. I need to get in there and get that nerve to stop snapping on you. I'm sorry but no throwing, no typing, and no writing.
my world was falling apart
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