strength comes in many forms...
I arrived at the U of R in a long-distance relationship. It had been a comfortable and familiar one, but one that lacked the most important virtues of all, unconditional love and sacrifice. These things didn't become apparent until I began to experience the hustle, bustle, excitement, and inevitable stress of college life. Not to mention learning the narrow balance of what it was going to mean to be a student-athlete. So, there I was, far from anything familiar. I clung to glimpses of "normality", meeting students and especially other athletes from the Bay Area. Since it was orientation week, it was the perfect week to mingle and start to find a way to feel at home in Redlands. Being the outgoing person that I am, this wasn't hard for me. I quickly found a group of Bay Area friends. The amount of time we spent together exploring a new campus didn't mix well with trying to manage a relationship tied to a phone. My space for individuality began to narrow and it became an issue. Like I said before, I chose Redlands for me. I chose it for my best chance at a great education and the amazing opportunity to play college softball. My dream did not have enough space for any restrictions. I had to make a decision that was best for me. I broke free to give my dreams everything I had and I don't regret it. It's also what led me to meet the man of my dreams.
A mere two weeks after orientation week my friend Hunter, a fellow Bay Arean baseball player, and I went to the dorm across from ours to meet two more guys and enjoy some Thursday night football. I remember walking to the building and talking to Hunter about how happy I was to be able to just go hang out with friends without feeling like I was sacrificing a piece of myself. Wearing my Frank Gore jersey, I walked in and met up with CJ and Joaquin (more Bay Arean homies). It was the first night of Thursday Night Football. Growing up I had always had more guy friends than girlfriends, something about having a more "tomboy" personality. I felt back in my natural element. As we walked towards the open spots on the couch, writing on the back of someone's shirt caught my eye. It read, "South Bay Sports Training, Trosky Baseball." Long story short, I asked if he was from the Bay Area and explained that I used to play softball at that same facility. The more people I was meeting, the more homey campus started to feel. Especially, having more direct ties to home. Cal and I became fast friends swapping stories about the facility, people we both knew, and last but not least, our excitement over playing D3 sports.
Having guy friends I could go to the batting cages with or even just casually play catch with was great. Yes, I had my female own teammates but after going to an all-girls high school and having a stricter past relationship, I missed having close guy friends. Since both Cal and Hunter were trying out for the baseball team, it was a great reason to hang out and get some work in. More weeks passed, more time put into softball, and the more time Cal hung around. Before I knew it, Cal had fessed up about catching ~feels~ while I ran in the opposite direction. (hehe sorry love!) I had zero interest in worrying about someone else's feelings, worries, and schedule. Most importantly, I wanted to really experience being independent and single, to put myself first without feeling guilty. But the cheesy cliche held true, you don't choose you who fall for. By October 1st we were officially a couple. Yes, some thought it was too quick of a transition from recently single to being in yet another relationship. However, what many don't know is the slow and steady pace we set early on. Our friendship was the initial priority, not losing a new found branch of support and individualism. This became the foundation of our relationship.
Lesson One: Unconditional love
So if you remember the timeline of my injury, I got hurt on October 24. A mere 23 days after Cal and I just made things official. Great. A new relationship and I lose all confidence in myself both mentally and physically. Having a huge cast, gaining weight and losing the ability to play softball made my spin. I felt as though my whole world came crashing down because I only focused on my apperance. My appearance as a "worthy" collegiate athlete... something I realized I had taken for granted my whole softball career. My self "worth" was solely based on my belief in the things my body could help me accomplish- feeling confident in my curvy body and kicking ass on the field. When I got hurt, I felt like a failure. Everything was changing and it was all out of my control. The one person who never lost sight of the real me? Cal.
Forget the fact that yes he's a guy and yes we were dating. That has nothing to do with what I have to say. I am simply talking about what it takes to truly show love and support for someone you care for. If my close girl friend had been at Redlands I'm sure I would have learned this in a different manner, but I learned about true unconditional love (both platonic and not) from my time spent with Cal. His constant reminders of the athlete he knew I was at heart, his honesty about his own struggles with physical fluctuations and his experience of being hurt in highschool and away from basenall made me stronger . So, even though I felt unathletic, overweight , and unworthy his love shined unconditionally. I don't know many college guys who would stick with a girl after going through what I did a month into college... especially when there are so many other options out there
Lesson Two: Sacrifice = no " I want to"
Being in constant pain or having a prolonged injury takes a toll on the individual. It also puts a lot on a relationship, let alone a new one. I began to feel like such a burden whenever Cal would offer to carry my books, my backpack or even listen to me cry and vent about how much pain and stress I was in. Confiding in him became second nature and more times than not I would end the conversation with I'm sorry, I know you have to sacrifice a lot to be with me. Cal's relentless answer has always been, " No, no I want to". His choice to continue to be by my side has taught me the best lesson ever. Sacrifices are not always sacrifices in a relationship. They are decisions we choose to follow through on because it is something that is seen as essential. Cal saw my happiness and wellbeing as essential, not as a sacrifice. Why? because that is what real love is. Becoming better versions of ourselves through teamwork. He saw how badly I wanted to play softball again, he saw how much I missed my family, and he saw my heart.
I am not saying that I don't still struggle with feeling like a chronic burden on Cal. But I am saying that I am beyond blessed to have found someone to help keep my head up on my lowest days. This switch of something being a choice rather than a sacrifice has helped changed my perception on dealing with pain. So, to all those hangouts with the guys or extra time at the field after practice that you decided not to do in order to show me love, support and admiration when I needed it most thank you forever...
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