dear softball,

I am not quitting... I am resigning. In fact, I am being forced to resign. So, really the "person" to blame is my arm. I tried everything possible to get back on the field. But, my arm said not in this life.

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This was the hardest decision for me. On one hand, the decision had already been made. I was not getting better, and the doctors told me that my softball career was over. On the other hand, coach told me I could fill in the team manager or peer coach of some sort to stay a part of the team but more importantly, around the sport he knew I loved so much. But, it had become torture to be around any of it. Seeing teammates taking their position on the team for granted, and being judged for "slacking off" or "making excuses" when in reality I was simply prioritizing my health. Plus, let's be honest, who the heck wants to spend hours watching people doing what you can't? And, let's not forget, my "wonderful" roommate and her constant complaining about having to go to practice, not getting enough playing time, having to go workouts, team bonding, literally everything about being a college student-athlete. My dream since I was 8. So, naturally, I kept this decision close to my heart. My other roommates knew, my advisor knew, coach knew and Cal knew. That's it.

I remember telling the team like it was yesterday..... First, I went over to coach's office before afternoon dyfi. We sat down and as I fiddled with my wrist brace slowly said, "I think its time for me to hang up my cleats... my pain is not getting better and my surgeon does not think my elbow could ever handle a throwing motion again." That's all I could get out before I started to cry. Coach handed me a tissue and said " Kiddo I didn't know you when you got hurt or the kind of athlete you were. But since coming here I do know one thing. You are a college softball player at heart. Even though I wasn't around your freshman year, I've learned how hard you tried to continue to be a good teammate, athlete, and student throughout all the crap life has thrown at you since coming down here. Now, it's time to put all your effort into one thing. You! It might not seem like it now, but this can be an exciting thing. Find out what else sparks your passion. Dive headfirst into your career. And most importantly, find what makes you happy and healthy, cuz at the end of the day THAT is what really matters". And with that, we walked to the track (where the team warmed up for dyfi) and coach called everyone over. While crying and trying to seem upbeat I told the team that my health wasn't getting better and the possibility of needing more surgeries. It ended in a team hug, some sweet words from friends on the team, and then it was over.

As I walked back to my dorm I tried my hardest to keep it together. I got into my room, grabbed my car keys, and walked to the car. I drove out to a nearby park and stayed in the car. Right as the key came out of the ignition, the tears flowed incessantly. it felt like I had lost someone i loved.... but it was heightened. I felt like I lost myself. Who the hell was I without softball? I'm not an athlete anymore. It had been a core part of my identity since I was 6 years old. I suddenly had too much time during the day and most of that time was spent in class or alone in my room while my roommate was at practice. And yet, with all the time... nothing piqued my interest.... and I felt desperate for distraction...