Athletes are taught to be in tune with their bodies, to know all their strengths and weaknesses. What happens when your main strength becomes your main weakness?
Once I got that damn cast my perception of the injury and myself changed. I was no longer Jaz, a freshman on the softball roster, I was the one on the IL (injured list). I was no longer Jaz, an outfielder with the canon of an arm, I was the one with only one arm. I didn't feel or look like an athlete. Every practice and workout I went to in order to support my teammates dug a deeper hole into my self-identity. I was losing all progress I had made in preparation for the season. bye, bye feeling toned, in shape, and strong. A cast makes you feel like anything but those things. Imagine having a big, fat, heavy sign that says "hey everyone I'm gaining weight or i'm weak", that was my relationship with it.
I was at a new school. This was not the first impression I wanted to make. I yearned to be like my peers who were dressing up cute, going out, and mingling. But instead, I did the opposite. I tried to stay away from having to dress up in clothes that would obviously show my cast and the way it morphed my body. I only showed what I wanted to show, when, and with whom. It helped that I got hurt during the fall...hello baggy sweaters!
In my own experience, body dysmorphia can kill the confidence and drive of a female athlete like a plague. There are many pressures on and off the field (or wherever ur sport is held (: ) expecting women to look pure, beautiful, graceful, and balanced (both mentally and physically). The way I've come to understand it is this: society has built an invisible path that female athletes are taught not to waiver from. That path is the "ideal" female body type and physique of a woman's chosen sport. Other "dangerous" paths consist of "looking too masculine", "too feminine", or not "feminine enough". Once she steps onto the field, a woman should feel free. Free to not only move her body however she pleases but to celebrate the things that it enables her to do.
Here are two common misconceptions of softball players & body types:
1. softball players who have big thighs are seen as "big girls" "slow" "overweight"
2. girls who are "too skinny" or "too short" or "too small" don't have power
Let me break it down for you:
1. Having big thighs does not mean any of those things. It means POWER. It means that when we "big girls" turn our hips and use our legs, the ball is going to come off the bat with some oomph behind it. Appreciate what your beautiful, strong, and yes even agile legs help you accomplish, hitting the absolute crap out of the ball. (truly the best feeling ;)
2. This is just straight-up bull. I've played alongside some "small" women who were absolute beasts. Tiny outfielders who have the same skills as Flash to get to a ball that looked like a home run, or short women who have an immaculate upper body strength.
I can sadly say that I have fallen victim to the cruel internal and external voices telling me that I wasn't good enough. When I got hurt, those voices became all I could hear. I wish I could say that this feeling has left me but it hasn't. During the many ups and downs of recovery, a body will fluctuate in shape and size. I logically know that it's normal, but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with.
Even my perception as a student changed drastically. My study style and identity as a student has always been writing copious amounts of notes. Nope! Not anymore! Forget about writing notes, typing, carrying a backpack/book (s), and even turning the doorknob into a classroom. I felt like I was failing at everything and school had just started. Not to mention that I had decided to challenge myself by enrolling in college as a Biology major in hopes of pursuing a lifelong dream of becoming a veterinarian. That quickly changed. Within the first weeks of class I had gone from keeping organized color-coded notes for new units in my chemistry class to being brain fogged, in pain, and incapable of writing. Oh, and don't forget the bottle of tramadol I had to keep on me for my daily pain management. No person can function like this. Let alone someone like me (aka not a math person) who knew I was challenging myself for a major that would take hours of extra hard work. It got to the point where I was not able to relearn information taught in class through someone else's notes, I was in trouble. How the hell was I going to do this class? the semester...
Change is not often a friend to everyone. This one has definitely morphed me in more ways than one.. but the key is to keep adapting.
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